Banks and Billionaires

Association of Banks and Billionaires*

United States of America 

November 2013 

Dear Detroit Pensioner, 

We are writing to thank you for your past and future contributions to our income. Our yachts are not big enough, we do not have enough land, homes or companies. We always want more and we are never happy. We got the idea to reach out to you, pensioners, since the emerging markets are slowing down. You know we have planned to give you 16% of your pension. So, if you were getting $2,000 a month, that would become $320/month. We are sure you can find a way to make ends meet. If you can’t, it sure will be a load off healthcare costs. We are hoping to dump you into that new government insurance because putting 30,000 people in it at once will help make crash like we have been working at. If you can’t pay for your healthcare, you shouldn’t have any. We will take whatever is left from your pension funds after we pay our banks, billionaires, bondholders and bond insurers and put it into high risk, high banker fee hedge funds. They are super exciting to us because we make money hand over fist in the fees and it is so risky for you. We love the excitement and the profit. Maybe we will even hedge the bet that you will lose money! It’s a crazier bet than the casino. But some of you give us your money through our casinos, so certainly you understand our view. We practiced in other states first with their pensions. Your pension was just so well funded, how could we resist? We had been chewing away at the teachers’ pensions for some years. But this is now wonderful! 

 

We have made sure that the laws for banks that were made after the Great Depression have all been taken back. Freedom for banks to make great fortunes again, the way it should be! We have so much money we have bought most of the press, courts and politicians. It has taken us a very long time to plan this, but we are proud it is going so well! We have set Detroit up to slide into bankruptcy. You see, we are not fond of poor and middle class people. Our plan is to get all of you out of Detroit. We had arranged for white flight to the suburbs because there was money to be made in developing all that useless farmland. We built thousands of cheap houses, more than would ever be filled. And now we want Detroit back, and we want all you to take those cheap houses built on toxic landfills. We knew crippling good schools would drive the middle class out of neighborhoods. We also think schools should be for profit – our profit! Then we layered on the mortgages we knew no one there could pay back. We even bet that people would loose their homes in our hedge funds. Isn’t it supreme that we set you up to lose your houses and then bet on it and made money both ways??!! 

Some of you are still hanging on. Don’t worry, we have a plan for you. We have made sure the streetlights in certain areas are not fixed, that buses don’t come, police and EMS don’t respond. We have slowed everything like molasses. We think that leaving you all in the dark without any safety measures will drive the last of you out! Arson helps us clear out the old houses so we have slowed the investigation department up. We have a redevelopment team and plans. We want the land for gated communities and condos. We have been each amassing large plots. We even started our own demolition company and the federal government gives us the money! We make sure insurance is the highest in the country so you can barely get by. Its not based on any real numbers. Are you kidding? We do it because we can. This country is great. We are living the American dream! Who can imagine a water department owned by a city? Its crazy it has gone on so long. Once we slowly shift the water over to us, first as a regional authority, then a private-public partnership, finally to private - wow will we be able to raise the water rates. We have everyone in the suburbs fooled that it is Detroit that mismanages the water. Lol! Most of the people running it are from the suburbs, and it is mismanaged by our people on purpose. We want to use the water to frack with and to sell. We have been fighting amongst ourselves as to who gets this gem. Its too good!! Wealth beyond even our imaginations! 

We control the press. They are our mouthpiece. And you believe it!!! Its is awesome for us. We are pretending like you are bankrupt and that you have to pick between pensions, art, assets and services. It’s a brilliant marketing scheme. We invested well in our marketing plan. We know Detroit isn’t really bankrupt but we really need that pension money and your assets. One of our group just loves art, so you can imagine what a score some of those works would be. Oh, the bragging rights. He already cleared out a corner of his third home for the ones he has picked. He had them evaluated so he knew how much he could undervalue them. He has it set up that if one part of Detroit goes into default, he gets the pieces he wants. And the negative news reporting about Detroit has finally paid off. It set the right backdrop for the bankruptcy. When people oppose us, we set them up to look crazy. We torture them in the press so they learn a lesson. We rule this city and no one can cross us. Money is everything to us. What other way is there? 

We control your elections. We have for decades. No one has really won. Are you kidding? We cheat every time – why do you think it is mostly candidates with suburban contributors connected to us who win? What do you think we are spending those contributions on? The ads and the postcards are just smoke and mirrors to hide our now finely tuned cheating machine. Your mayors are simply figureheads who serve at our request. We have been working for years to make sure all minorities lose faith in their own leaders. Our assistants are are from all backgrounds, activists, union leaders, and even civil rights groups. Most people can be bought and we certainly have the funding. We see it more of an investment to preserve our system. We use think-tanks and business associations to mask our real alliance. We coordinated this emergency management/bankruptcy/election package. We have our futures to consider. We have children who need to follow our legacy – we know their grades aren’t that good, but under legacy the universities let them in and keep your children out, no matter if our kids are not achievers. 

We have to upgrade our jets, and you can imagine the counseling bills for the whole family – wealth is very stressful! And our wives – you know they are always joining clubs, running foundations for the tax breaks and shopping for clothes and jewelry. Not to mention our performance enhancing drugs at the request of our wives/mistresses and our plastic surgery! Our plan is to have nothing in public hands anymore. No group of people in a city should own an island park or art. Its absurd. There is money to be made. And city workers?! Everything must be privatized so money can be made off tax money. The idea of putting tax money directly in the pockets of city workers is a travesty. We want money out of circulation. While we realize this may hurt the population in terms of numbers, we are in the midst of the fabulous opportunity to make this country the way it should be for the rich. We are finally free to do as we please. 

We want all the federal funding that comes to Detroit to come to us. So far, that is working. The federal government is so happy to work with us on the people mover #2 and our high cost, government funded housing plan downtown! Seniors shouldn’t be in those apartments – brings the property value down. We know there are few buses in the neighborhoods. We don’t want lowly people to be able to get around the city or to jobs, and certainly not to get to our downtown. We stopped the bus to the island park long ago - we have boats docked there and golf games to be played and condos to be built. We can’t even comprehend the idea of a public park. Exclusive is the name of the game. Most of us went to the same exclusive university just an hour outside the city, same business and law school. They taught us how to form alliances and how to use our knowledge to make money. Ethics, diversity – a waste of money that we are happy we never had to learn. The universities have now joined our alliance and are working toward a more free market philosophy for their students – no more of that liberal, critical thinking and ethics! 

 Soon there will be a new Detroit, rid of the pesky middle and lower class, and any liberals. The new Detroit will be one of the wealthiest cities on earth. And just think, you will know you were a part of that by handing over your pension fund, you had helped us build it. Too bad you aren’t rich enough to stay and enjoy it. If you have a pet, you may want to consider letting it go. If you are supporting grandchildren, you may want to suggest their lazy parents get a job (but we make sure there are none so they can’t. lol!), if you have a sick spouse who needs medication, you may want to say your good-byes. Just some things to think about as you plan ahead. I am off to our annual golf outing in the Cayman Islands hoping the caviar is better than last year!

Warmest Regards, 

Ima Fat Greedypig 

President Banks and Billionaires Association _______________________________________________________________________________ 

*There is no such thing as this association. This is just me in a creative writing kind of mood expressing my opinion.This is reprinted from another blog of mine.