Friday, November 25, 2016

Shouldn't we just ask Canada to move the border?

From a Detroiter’s perspective a simple fix to this Trump situation is to just move the border to Canada up to 8 mile. Simply put up a fence and move the guard huts a few miles to the north.

We already have many of your Canadian geese. We grew up on Mr. Dress-up. Our bus drivers are already in the same union and the transition to one union would be amicable. Many of us haven’t been over since 9/11 because of the border rules, but that doesn’t mean we haven’t wanted to! We see how your tunnel bus comes on time while we wait hours to get five minutes from downtown. We have tried working with Washington DC but they only care about the super rich – its not working out for us now and certainly won’t work out in the future. Its time for us to explore other options. Its time for us to move on.

We don’t need to keep our name – we will be just a new section of Windsor – there is Sandwich, Walkerville, and…Detroitville or Detroitwich. We aren’t picky. You could do a contest at the elementary schools for them to come up with our new name. Change the river’s name if you like…We know Windsor carries the burden of being associated with industrial Detroit, but we pledge to do our best to make Windsor the jewel of Canada.

Health care for all, no more dirty rich pigs looting our assets and destroying our city. No more of the Paul Singer and the Manhattan Institute’s “Stop and Frisk”. All we have to do is have a volunteer day putting up a fence and wake up the next day with health care, living in one of the most well balanced, liberal, happy countries on earth. We have been jealous for years. Now is the time for us. Why stay and fight a madman? Life is short. We already drink Tim Horton’s and while roller skating is more popular, it is a skill very similar to ice skating. We will get some knick-knacks of the Queen and her corgis, perhaps commemorative plates to fit in. We will work on our manners, say the word “about” differently, learn curling. We will patronize chip wagons with zest and welcome them into our neighborhoods. While banana pudding is very popular, butter tarts could easily become a favorite. We need some encouragement to vote – our votes have been thrown in the Detroit River so long many of us don’t even try anymore. Maybe some voter group therapy. We will need help succeeding because we have been beat down so long - but we are dedicated citizens. With the same amount of  effort most of us have put forth to get a pile of garbage picked up, a street light on, or an empty house boarded up, we could really redo a whole neighborhood with a supportive government. You will see this new section of Windsor blossom like nothing you could imagine.

Of course you will want to deport any ugly Americans who squeak in – more than likely you will find those in midtown and downtown in some $2,000/month loft that used to be low income housing. Others on the no fly list should be the exact pigs who have been turning Detroit into their garbage can for decades: anyone from Franklin, Michigan  (this covers a wide assortment of scoundrels like Dan Gilbert and Dave Bing), Ada, Michigan (any DeVos), Mike Ilitch, Mike Duggan, Mattie Maroun, Roger Penske etc..Trust us Canada, you don’t need them.

Move over Toronto and Vancouver. In exchange for safe refuge we offer you:

  • A water treatment plant worth billions
  • Billions in art, a beautiful museum and library system
  • Newly redone apt buildings downtown.
  • Not one, but 2 hockey stadiums, an indoor practice rink and a couple more.
  • A baseball stadium
  • A football stadium
  • Both sides of the Detroit River (water taxis anyone?)
  • Belle Isle park – we could build a bridge to Peche Island. You get two yacht clubs in that deal – you want to name them the Windsor Yacht Club? Or maybe make them municipal marinas?
  • A bridge and a train station
  • A tunnel for cars and a train tunnel under the river
  • An extensive school system with many new buildings
  • A couple of casinos You could shut them down to make yours more profitable. No worries.
  • A few historic housing districts and many architectural gems
  • 600,000 very nice people who have been insulted by the media and portrayed daily in an unfavorable light, many jailed/killed unjustly, whose have been made, through municipal bankruptcy and election rigging, invisible. Essentially, refugees. Canada can avoid making costly refugee camps with this simple plan. 

Detroiters, meet with on Tuesday evening. We will put up the fence ourselves. The suburbs have basically put up most of the fence already with their Detroit hate, so fortunately for us we just fill in the gaps. Like the giant flower pots they put up in Grosse Pointe to keep Detroiters out. At the end of the day we say thanks for taking care of that much of the new border for us.

Then we will move the huts with the guards, and voila! You may now enter Canada through Warren, Grosse Pointe, Redford etc. Although I have heard that parts of Grosse Pointe Park, Harper Woods and parts of Ann Arbor want to come along. Welcome everyone!

Buy our secession kit: No city left behind. Any city can afford to secede. You can’t afford not to. Not lucky enough to be close to Canada? Look at Alaska – why is that American? Even a small town in Mississippi could be like an island of Canada.

For $19.95 we will send you a booklet explaining how to move your local border further south or how to redraw your local map.
For $29.95 we will also send you instructions on building a wall from earth (if you can’t afford a fence) and a couple of border guards.
For $39.95 we will add to your package how to build weapons for your border guards – you could even make a catapult or just a gather a nice pile of rocks to throw.

Living well is the best revenge.

(Hope this little satire brightens up your day in the midst of this real horror.)

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